Saturday, October 10, 2015

Sarangi

She is just so cute and adorable. Cannot take my eyes off her nor can I stop thinking about her.  I wonder how I managed to live all these years without her. In about 8 months she has changed my life altogether and altered my worldview 360🔄

I have been pondering much about the quality time we spend with each other with all the workload I have. I have not been able to document her growth and development. Not that I miss to enjoy them with all my senses; just I do not do enough to make memories that can be shared with her later. 

She is growing by the day and she has already lived through three distinct seasons. She has traveled to four different cities and three different nations in the first five months of her life. 

In terms of memories I can visualise every single one of them. But no photos to share with her.  I am glad that I am taking time to write this post as I am consciously frame my memories intact. 

I so want to make a head gear of autumn leaves and dress her up and take pictures every month in the same place and enjoy the milestones. 

Sometimes it feels really bad to put her through the struggles we has chosen to go through without her willingly joining our journey.  Making her wear clothes from thrift store is killing me on one hand. But in the other this frugal living that we follow could become a way of life if we remove the stigma around recycling. While the mind process about this lifestyle the heart cries at the jan ility to afford new clothes for the only child that we have. 

It's going to be so tough to ensure that my child gets a perfect life. I am trying to give my best and her father is the best in this world that she can get. I pacify myself with these blessings and let myself melt in her smiles. 

She is one happy kid and I am so glad that she makes us happy. I hope we provide her with the environment and living conditions that let's her cherish that joy in her and keep sharing it with others. 

Until next. 

Sunday, August 02, 2015

Quick preview into the mind of a doctoral student that I am, today, now.

Arriving at a dissertation topic can be so overwhelming and anxiety-filled.  Or, it can be a fun way of walking along a park taking in all beauties around and filling the missing pieces into the big picture.

It is time for me to choose which approach I would have in this Doctoral journey.

I must admit that I did not want to engage in a formal program for the fear of program driving me to the destination in a jiffy and not letting me enjoy the walk to my destination.

When I chose to do this Doctoral program, I committed to myself that I would enjoy this journey.  That I would not let this become another degree that I am working towards, but truly an exploratory trail that I would take to see how much I know what I want to do and how much can I learn so that I know how I can do it.

I seem to have lost my calm and composure on the way - well, it has just been 4 weeks, but still.  I am in the attempt of regaining my composure and accepting the situation as is to make the most of what is happening to me at this moment and not get drowned by what all 'needs' to happen.

Good luck to me.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Need for perfection

It is good to be on a forum or group to know information and gather knowledge. It's not great place for a weak heart but. 

This urge to be a perfect thing is quite exhausting and sometimes disgusting.  Wanting to have had that perfect date, a perfect proposal, perfect wedding, perfect child birth. Uff!!! Why should a woman be so greedy? And so mindless? No I am talking about myself. Not anyone else.  Why get so jealous if someone took just a few minutes to deliver baby through the birth canal?  So what I had a C section? So what I have a baby who gets cranky at nights, day time and almost most part of the day, a few days? 

This thing about comparison, about wanting to feel that, "Oh! I have the best life that everyone yearns for!", why is that becoming a addiction? Why can't I be happy with who I am and what I do and what I stand for? Well many places I hear people talk about what is perfection, over and over and over. I have grown to feel that there is only one perfect way for things.  Perfect means one is a myth, a misunderstanding. Perfection is a good thing and there are multiple outputs and means to getting there. 

It's quite hard to stay in this state of existence. It might take years of practice and penance to get closest to this state. Here I begin. I shall stop this comparison business with me and won't drag that into my family and my kid and spoil the essence of 'our' lives. There can just be one like me and I am not going to trade it for my temptations of aping others. 

Peace. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Mother Wife

Yeah. I too have become a mother. The child in me is quite amused by my decision to become a mother. But here I am with an infant in my arms and life has become beautiful once again. 

I wanted to have a baby because I thought that's how I will leave the love me and A share.  However random that may sound. 

Firsts she came out breaking all old wives tales of how I will have a boy.  So a double surprise on Jan 31. 

Second she made me realise that having her doesn't make me any less of a wife. In fact I have grown fonder towards A and as a fuel to the fire me being at mum's place and seeing him once a week is only drawing us closer. 

I still would like to prioritise my husband and not ignore him in the name of attending to baby. I have seen it happening with my parents as well as my fellow mommies cribbing about husbands. 

To me the essence of motherhood is a decision made by two and is to honour the bond the two share.  I  sure that there will be times when attending to baby might make me exhausted that Iau feet about lack if help from A bit I pray and tell myself that I should never forget why we chose to have a family.  And that family shouldn't throw the couple in us. 

This post is more a auto suggestion than a comment or critique.  I am sure the journey is going to be tough. But if I keep telling and reminding myself the real reason behind this I would be more aware and alert on how I deal with adversities and temporary obstacles. 

Cheers to motherhood and double cheers to wife-hood. 😊😁