WTH? IDK.

As I am going through this journey of learning I am slowly uncovering things about self, about learning, about people and life itself. While I have experienced it before, there are moments when I get pulled into existential questions: the mortal life keeps poking at me and makes me question the trivial nature of all human acts. I see there is a pessimistic undertone to what I just said. But I want to address it and stop tricking my mind that all is well. 

On one hand there is the mortal life pushing me towards living life to the fullest, giving your best to everything and every moment, and leaving a legacy. But on the other, I keep wondering for what? Why am I even doing things that are not going to last! What does the sacrifice going to amount to say a hundred years from now?! 

I try to talk myself into the greater good and affecting social change and putting systems in place and doing things right and what not. It places undue pressure on my self and I keep pushing my limits day in and day out. I go onto a guilt trip when I do mess up. I do the blame game of externally projecting cause for my shortcomings. I lose hope in larger vision and cause. The cycle turns upside down. From hope to pessimism. From empathy to apathy. From pride to guilt. From thirst to unpleasant abundance. 

The mind is truly a trickster. It can pull strings the way you let it to. It can make you look and feel like a rockstar and in the next moment a nobody. Self awareness lies at the heart of distinguishing the veil from the face. Of differentiating the mask from the mirror. 

I do not know where I am going with this. But all I can feel is a zillion neutrons firing in all crazy directions throwing tantrums in my brain. Threatening to aggravate the migraine and tempting to lower the severity if I was wise enough. 

Wanna be wise or alive?

Hmm! Meh!