Need for perfection

It is good to be on a forum or group to know information and gather knowledge. It's not great place for a weak heart but. 

This urge to be a perfect thing is quite exhausting and sometimes disgusting.  Wanting to have had that perfect date, a perfect proposal, perfect wedding, perfect child birth. Uff!!! Why should a woman be so greedy? And so mindless? No I am talking about myself. Not anyone else.  Why get so jealous if someone took just a few minutes to deliver baby through the birth canal?  So what I had a C section? So what I have a baby who gets cranky at nights, day time and almost most part of the day, a few days? 

This thing about comparison, about wanting to feel that, "Oh! I have the best life that everyone yearns for!", why is that becoming a addiction? Why can't I be happy with who I am and what I do and what I stand for? Well many places I hear people talk about what is perfection, over and over and over. I have grown to feel that there is only one perfect way for things.  Perfect means one is a myth, a misunderstanding. Perfection is a good thing and there are multiple outputs and means to getting there. 

It's quite hard to stay in this state of existence. It might take years of practice and penance to get closest to this state. Here I begin. I shall stop this comparison business with me and won't drag that into my family and my kid and spoil the essence of 'our' lives. There can just be one like me and I am not going to trade it for my temptations of aping others. 

Peace. 

Mother Wife

Yeah. I too have become a mother. The child in me is quite amused by my decision to become a mother. But here I am with an infant in my arms and life has become beautiful once again. 

I wanted to have a baby because I thought that's how I will leave the love me and A share.  However random that may sound. 

Firsts she came out breaking all old wives tales of how I will have a boy.  So a double surprise on Jan 31. 

Second she made me realise that having her doesn't make me any less of a wife. In fact I have grown fonder towards A and as a fuel to the fire me being at mum's place and seeing him once a week is only drawing us closer. 

I still would like to prioritise my husband and not ignore him in the name of attending to baby. I have seen it happening with my parents as well as my fellow mommies cribbing about husbands. 

To me the essence of motherhood is a decision made by two and is to honour the bond the two share.  I  sure that there will be times when attending to baby might make me exhausted that Iau feet about lack if help from A bit I pray and tell myself that I should never forget why we chose to have a family.  And that family shouldn't throw the couple in us. 

This post is more a auto suggestion than a comment or critique.  I am sure the journey is going to be tough. But if I keep telling and reminding myself the real reason behind this I would be more aware and alert on how I deal with adversities and temporary obstacles. 

Cheers to motherhood and double cheers to wife-hood. 😊😁

Changes

A very profound question at this hour of the night. As such I am going through millions of emotions with my hormonal changes. And these late night musings I get is only disturbing than enlightening.  

I was just contemplating on permanence and presence or absence of people around me.  The idea of independence is so enticing for a young mind that loss doesn't seem to be affecting. Want to be free, on my own, away, love life on my own terms - all these phrases suddenly seem to be of no value whatsoever. 

Just because you know things are not permanent do you stop attaching yourself to them? Or do you take each moment and live it up that you would cherish these memories for ever?  How do you prepare yourself to deal with loss?  Can you even prepare like that? 

Crazy! These questions never cease to go off my head and have had some significant influence in the decisions I have made and will make in my life.  

Leaving now with this thought and question. Loss and impermanence - how do you deal with them? Oh mind, learn please. 

Revival

I just avoided one year of no-activity by writing this post! Thank god!

I enjoy writing and speaking my mind.  However, writing has taken a backseat in the scheme of things I am up to - work, family, beads. And yeah, laziness!

The month of May has been one of inspiration, challenge and pleasant surprises.  A lot of new information about alternative schooling in India.  When I see / read people attempting to change things around them, I get a real high and kick out of it.  Sometimes it feels like there are so many people working towards change and what more could be done.  But at other times, you know that so much has to be changed that a few people is just not enough to carry it all on their shoulders.  So there is a revived confidence I have towards pursuing my dream, my aspirations towards schooling, bringing some difference to how people learn, think and live.

Right now I am trying to work with a colleague to assimilate our learnings about education and implement a few in our work as well.  I may try out some experiments I have about learning through experiences pretty soon.  More than anything, I am going to document all the inspirations happening around me with respect to school education - with more rigor and discipline.

Looking back, I regret that I have not collated all the learning I have had from newspaper articles, chats, internet.  If I had done that, consistently, by now, I should have created a repository of information which many of us could have used.

So, while I work towards creating my own school, I am not going to stall ideas I receive from outside world and assume I will remember them all.  I do not want to reinvent the wheel.  I also want to learn from what is going on already.  I want to crystallise the present and build something better for the future.

To start with, an amazing school that I recently came to know about is the Vidyashram South Point School.  Hope you get some inspiration from there.  More to come, in bits, regularly.  Watch this space and interact with me.

Ramblings...

It has been almost half a year since I posted.  I am shocked.  Thanks to my colleague that I woke up and got a reason to write again.


Past 2 weeks has been a lot of reflection - hence very intense.  


What I wanted to share now is something that has been bothering me for a very long time now.  I had been very elusive about these thoughts in my mind - more-so because not many people around me appreciated or considered that it was a 'normal' thought process.


So what bothers me?


1.  Why do people lack trust?  A common trustworthiness you could entertain with another just because he / she is a human and not because of any other reason.  I should not talk to an auto driver unnecessarily cos I may get into trouble?!  I can't greet a stranger in my train boogie cos train robbery is a known thing.  




2. Why is this generation living in fear?  Fear of being attacked, cheated, ignored, robbed, hit.  Are we all animals?  




3.  Why should one be always told what he / she has to do?  Why can't people take initiative and do what is their own duty?




4.  Why can't people forgive?  




5.  Why can't we accept each other and treat one another as equals instead of doing power plays and exercising egos?




6.  Why can't we love for love sake?  Why is it always a trade?




7.  Why aren't we taught to / encouraged to renounce?  Why should we always hoard things for ourselves, our family?  Why can't we give up something for a larger cause?


8.  Why little pleasures like smoking, drinking, are so important for us despite knowing it is going to be short-lived?




9.  Why do we think we are overkilling ourselves or being extra super great when we live a dutiful life?  Dutiful in terms of doing one's duty, be clean physically and mentally.  Why do those dutiful people think they are doing something great while there is so much more to achieve?


10.  Why when I question myself and others on all these issues I am being perceived as someone being over critical or hung up in life?  Why am I classified as perfectionist or idealist?  Why am I banned to expect these qualities in my fellow men? 


If these are all 'saint'ly qualities, then may be it is high time I claim myself one!  That way I get to live my life the way I want and nobody would question me, eh?

Mediocrity sucks!

Mediocrity.  Wherever I go, everything I see is mediocre.  Excellence looks like a thing of past.


The vegetable vendor has vegetables that are not real fresh, the service is average.  The customer care support, are not efficient.  They put you on hold for every query you have to clarify from some team of theirs; illustration: to know if a battery is available or not, you gotta wait for 30 minutes on phone! 

No, this is no blame game.  I include myself in this list of mediocrity.  When everyone is following the path of being mediocre, any cry about making it 'right' or doing the best is not considered at all.

A mediocre life sucks.  There is no motivation, there is no achievement, there is no satisfaction and it so damn boring.

Now I lead a life of a mediocre.  I do things somehow so that it is DONE.  There is no passion or joy in doing things.

I do not want to be a mediocre, anymore.  I want to do as many things as I can, in a way that is, as best as I could do.  I want to live my life to the fullest without any fear and inhibition.  I want to love unconditionally and let love flow to me, break-free.  I want to excel, in all the tasks I do and keep aspiring for excellence. 

I want to stop doing things for the heck of doing it.  I want to do things, only those, which I think I need to do.  Isn't that a nicer way to lead a life?  Comments?

Death or a New Life?

I just happened to read this post in Yahoo! 

Though there is grievance and loss in a loved ones' death, some overcome the pain by Doing something that brings meaning to the life that was lost.  In a way, death actually gives birth to something new as if recreating itself into another form.

Is mourning then more an act of living the life of the lost one through yours and fulfilling their dreams and wishes?   

Reason?

I had been thinking about this for a while now. There are these various jobs which are available in this world. Some have the liberty to choose a job they want to do, some are forced to choose, some just land up in that job, some just wait to get away from a job.

I am in a profession where the practise is to help people exercise their free will to choose a job and pursue it. So among these 100 of jobs, people choose to do a job based on what they are capable of doing and what they want to do...

The jobs are created based on the needs of the society. One of the key needs is that of cleaning. That would include cleaning the public places and at some levels we need people who can attend to the waste in individual houses/apartments.

Now will someone want to choose this as their job? Those people who are currently working as cleaners, would they continue to do their job if another option with equivalent pay is offered to them?

Dignity of labour is just not practised in our country. Agreed! But what would be a reason for an individual to take up his / her job as a cleaner? What level of free will would some one exercise to choose this as a profession amongst others?

Any reasons out there?

Sooo full of life!

Life is too full now. So many things happening, many just-not-happening! But, I am living my life to the fullest - full of bliss, full of motivation, full with passion, full of search, full with anger, full of satisfaction, full with pride, full with greed, full of responsibility, full of aspirations, full of disappointments, soo very full, all at one time!

Cup has become too heavy. Need to unwind, relax, and take life more simpler.

Moving from one phase of life to another is rewarding cos you are learning. However, a few lessons are learnt in a hard way. Some lessons make you more strong, some make you regret acts of your past, some confuse you, some shock you, some surprise you and some disappoint you.

You know that you are not the only one to go through this but at the same time you have to go through this. You begin to empathise with the ones who have gone through this!

Amidst all this, finding an equilibrium is what I think is the art of living.

Trying hard to practise this. Not without paying the cost for it. All in all, life now is sooo.... very.... full...!

Disgust

It is very hard for something or someone to evoke this feeling - Disgust. But off late, the shopping areas seem to be full of people who can easily make you feel disgusted!

There are many creeps out in the markets who come there not to shop but to take some pleasure out of teasing other people - verbally and/or physically!

I have become skeptical about every male around me. It seems to me that there is just one thought in their minds - How to derive pleasure without being caught! Some seem to have born with that trait and some seem to acquire training to master it!

Mambalam area - the shopper's area - is just full of creeps and filth - in human form! Their deeds, mind and whole existence seems to have been made out of filth!

Every single time I cross the market area, I have to be extra alert and cautious; think of new ways to slip through the crowd and escape its vulgar brushes. There comes a point where one loses the courage to walk without a male counterpart who can escort you through that crowd and pull you out from there. (Yeah, some of the Men understand the pain because that woman is somehow related to him!).

This is so damn shameful! Losing the Freedom to be independent!

What I don't understand is why are these men so obsessed with 'other' women? Or why is woman looked at as an object of pleasure? I am badly avoiding the urge to write a sentence that would read, "I hate men"!

All this finally boils down to a point where one human does not have any respect for the other. Moreso, no respect for one's own self!

I am unable to think of any other reason for this disgusting behaviour demonstrated in the public.

We have to rethink on what the words - Values and Ethos - stand for us and redefine the way of life. People are selfish, mean, competitive (read as crushing the number one to death to secure that position), corrupt, jealous.

The things that were once intuitively guiding our way of life has to be taught now. The situation is such that there are Acts to ensure our behaviour aligns with the expected norms.

Where are those days when India was called the Land of Spirituality and Intellect? Where is that Indian spirit, my countrymen?

'Be a Man!', people say! I thought it means being responsible, sensible, sensitive, courageous, protective, courteous... Where are you, Men?

Revelations!

I watched this movie last night “PS: I Love You”. There were many revelations through that movie. But what is forcing me to write this post is what I learnt about being ‘open’. To come to this point I am going to run through and beat around the bushes (the way gals usually do!).

The environment I had been so far is the one where only the Indian culture is being valued. It had instilled in my head that only India has some value system and ethics and such words. But what I learnt yesterday is to appreciate that, values and ethics and principles exist in every culture. Since every culture is so different and unique it does not get through to other cultures.

There had been times when I thought I should preserve my customs and rituals. I grew to learn that I should be tolerant to other views and opinions. Now I have grown to appreciate and accept others and that include their belief systems, ethics, code of conduct and much more that make the person.

A specific thing about this movie is where Holly tries to find, The thing, and a new love that can replace her grief of losing Jerry. The way she comes out of her grief is by trial testing and eliminating the possibilities of the replacements until she tries to find happiness from inside. The earlier me would have been sceptical and passing moral judgements on her behaviour. But now, in the new me, I realise and appreciate that people are indeed different. Cultures and values are unique. After all, these words and their meanings, originate from a group of people who would have thought that this would help a human being to lead a life that makes him happy and not disrupt his ecosystem, as well, isn’t it?

Off late, I realise that I am just able to connect to any human being just because I appreciate for who she or he is. There is a natural will to know someone who is around and believe that he or she does have something unique to tell me and enrich my life. This feeling is just great and I hope that this is not just a feeling but a realisation coming out of living with many great souls around me.

Openness is more than tolerance. Openness is acceptance – for things as they are, for people who they are. Further, openness is, believing that each and every person is worth of something!

Nevertheless, this feeling is great. Understanding oneness in so many different ways is really incredible. Time and again I’m reminded that we are all ONE!

We all are in a pursuit to be happy and bring happiness to others!
We need peace.
We need money.
We need satisfaction.
We need love.
We need laugh.
We need shoulders.
We need each other.
Because,
We are all One!

Relationships - Part 2!

Yes! I am going to talk about relationships yet again.

I wish that relationships be non-demanding. Or, when there is a demand, let there be flexibility as well. Flexibility eases out the situation and ensures that the demand is met in the best possible way!

After all, we need relationships, don't we?! Then, what is the point of losing the fun by being too much demanding and not allowing relaxations whereby feelings and hence the relationships are severed?!

It IS...

it is tough to,

be a beginner with humility,
zip your mouth forcibly,


it is a pain when,

past haunts current appraisals,
emotion overpowers rationality,irrationally (!),


it is injustice to,

be a man of double nature,
generalise an event to a life,


it takes courage to,

own responsibility during failure,
say 'No' when need be,
let others develop through you,
stand up for yourself,


it is wise to,

be your own Master,
persuade /justify to only one's own Conscience...
(nothing less, nothing more!)


it is human to,

respect a fellow being for one's own sake,
err, learn and apply in future.

I have answers!

For all the pointing fingers,
for all the blames,
for all the regrets,
for all the hard work,

for all the loss,
for all the sacrifice,
for all the pain,
for all the indifference,

sooner or later,
i will present the answers!
(not to be read as "PROUD")

I will present 'em,
'cause,
in me,
I trust!

Reflections during Vacation 2010!

1. My mood does not change, unless I want it to change.
2. Nothing can get worse, until 'I' expect the worst!
3. Every problem does have solution(s). Various factors affect the type of solution I derive for that problem: my mood, what and how I expect the problem to be resolved, to a certain extent, my wit as well! What I mean is, everyone does find a solution! How applicable is my solution to my situation, I need wit to resolve that! (I use wit to imply intelligence, knowledge, wisdom, and all such words!)
4. At 25, I can still be wondering, what the heck I want out of my life?!
5. When I really want to do a task, I will do it! When I don't want to do a task, no matter how many ever opportunities are given to me for its completion, I will not do it! (Well, I want to emphasize the latter point!!)
6. When I write 'my' reflection, I should use 'I' instead of 'you/your'. (Yes!, I changed all you/your to I/my, from 1 to 5 after I wrote 6!!!)
7. If I don't want to take responsibility, I will not. This is different from 5 because, this is at the cognitive/affective domain level while doing is at the behavioural level.
8. I should take a break, when I feel like. Culmination of the want to take a break, sticks me out and it takes almost half the break-time to stick out that stickiness!
9. Conveying my love to my far-off love is lovely! But, at times, loving and not conveying all of it is bliss! (ooh! A tough one for the first person language! ;) )
10. Becoming friends with a 1.5 yr old is awesome! :D And, the 1.5 yr old can teach you to love, like none! (This is no stats! Just that I am friends with my nephew who is 1.5 yrs old!)
11. Using shorter sentences conveys sweet messages. (I wrote all of them, over and over, again and again to be shorter!!!!)
12. After a point, writing in brief, becomes a habit!
13. Plan the vacation well-ahead for a well-spent vacation. Else, have common sense to follow time's stride and make it favourable for the self!
14. Set the automatic vacation responder! Prevents guilt of indifference-to-emails. Note: Write/Articulate the response so that the receiver understands the reason for it to be on!


Will continue, if any!

PS: Proof reading is a must before publishing (does that tell how updated this reflection note is?!)