Sarangi

She is just so cute and adorable. Cannot take my eyes off her nor can I stop thinking about her.  I wonder how I managed to live all these years without her. In about 8 months she has changed my life altogether and altered my worldview 360🔄

I have been pondering much about the quality time we spend with each other with all the workload I have. I have not been able to document her growth and development. Not that I miss to enjoy them with all my senses; just I do not do enough to make memories that can be shared with her later. 

She is growing by the day and she has already lived through three distinct seasons. She has traveled to four different cities and three different nations in the first five months of her life. 

In terms of memories I can visualise every single one of them. But no photos to share with her.  I am glad that I am taking time to write this post as I am consciously frame my memories intact. 

I so want to make a head gear of autumn leaves and dress her up and take pictures every month in the same place and enjoy the milestones. 

Sometimes it feels really bad to put her through the struggles we has chosen to go through without her willingly joining our journey.  Making her wear clothes from thrift store is killing me on one hand. But in the other this frugal living that we follow could become a way of life if we remove the stigma around recycling. While the mind process about this lifestyle the heart cries at the jan ility to afford new clothes for the only child that we have. 

It's going to be so tough to ensure that my child gets a perfect life. I am trying to give my best and her father is the best in this world that she can get. I pacify myself with these blessings and let myself melt in her smiles. 

She is one happy kid and I am so glad that she makes us happy. I hope we provide her with the environment and living conditions that let's her cherish that joy in her and keep sharing it with others. 

Until next. 

Quick preview into the mind of a doctoral student that I am, today, now.

Arriving at a dissertation topic can be so overwhelming and anxiety-filled.  Or, it can be a fun way of walking along a park taking in all beauties around and filling the missing pieces into the big picture.

It is time for me to choose which approach I would have in this Doctoral journey.

I must admit that I did not want to engage in a formal program for the fear of program driving me to the destination in a jiffy and not letting me enjoy the walk to my destination.

When I chose to do this Doctoral program, I committed to myself that I would enjoy this journey.  That I would not let this become another degree that I am working towards, but truly an exploratory trail that I would take to see how much I know what I want to do and how much can I learn so that I know how I can do it.

I seem to have lost my calm and composure on the way - well, it has just been 4 weeks, but still.  I am in the attempt of regaining my composure and accepting the situation as is to make the most of what is happening to me at this moment and not get drowned by what all 'needs' to happen.

Good luck to me.

Need for perfection

It is good to be on a forum or group to know information and gather knowledge. It's not great place for a weak heart but. 

This urge to be a perfect thing is quite exhausting and sometimes disgusting.  Wanting to have had that perfect date, a perfect proposal, perfect wedding, perfect child birth. Uff!!! Why should a woman be so greedy? And so mindless? No I am talking about myself. Not anyone else.  Why get so jealous if someone took just a few minutes to deliver baby through the birth canal?  So what I had a C section? So what I have a baby who gets cranky at nights, day time and almost most part of the day, a few days? 

This thing about comparison, about wanting to feel that, "Oh! I have the best life that everyone yearns for!", why is that becoming a addiction? Why can't I be happy with who I am and what I do and what I stand for? Well many places I hear people talk about what is perfection, over and over and over. I have grown to feel that there is only one perfect way for things.  Perfect means one is a myth, a misunderstanding. Perfection is a good thing and there are multiple outputs and means to getting there. 

It's quite hard to stay in this state of existence. It might take years of practice and penance to get closest to this state. Here I begin. I shall stop this comparison business with me and won't drag that into my family and my kid and spoil the essence of 'our' lives. There can just be one like me and I am not going to trade it for my temptations of aping others. 

Peace. 

Mother Wife

Yeah. I too have become a mother. The child in me is quite amused by my decision to become a mother. But here I am with an infant in my arms and life has become beautiful once again. 

I wanted to have a baby because I thought that's how I will leave the love me and A share.  However random that may sound. 

Firsts she came out breaking all old wives tales of how I will have a boy.  So a double surprise on Jan 31. 

Second she made me realise that having her doesn't make me any less of a wife. In fact I have grown fonder towards A and as a fuel to the fire me being at mum's place and seeing him once a week is only drawing us closer. 

I still would like to prioritise my husband and not ignore him in the name of attending to baby. I have seen it happening with my parents as well as my fellow mommies cribbing about husbands. 

To me the essence of motherhood is a decision made by two and is to honour the bond the two share.  I  sure that there will be times when attending to baby might make me exhausted that Iau feet about lack if help from A bit I pray and tell myself that I should never forget why we chose to have a family.  And that family shouldn't throw the couple in us. 

This post is more a auto suggestion than a comment or critique.  I am sure the journey is going to be tough. But if I keep telling and reminding myself the real reason behind this I would be more aware and alert on how I deal with adversities and temporary obstacles. 

Cheers to motherhood and double cheers to wife-hood. 😊😁

Changes

A very profound question at this hour of the night. As such I am going through millions of emotions with my hormonal changes. And these late night musings I get is only disturbing than enlightening.  

I was just contemplating on permanence and presence or absence of people around me.  The idea of independence is so enticing for a young mind that loss doesn't seem to be affecting. Want to be free, on my own, away, love life on my own terms - all these phrases suddenly seem to be of no value whatsoever. 

Just because you know things are not permanent do you stop attaching yourself to them? Or do you take each moment and live it up that you would cherish these memories for ever?  How do you prepare yourself to deal with loss?  Can you even prepare like that? 

Crazy! These questions never cease to go off my head and have had some significant influence in the decisions I have made and will make in my life.  

Leaving now with this thought and question. Loss and impermanence - how do you deal with them? Oh mind, learn please. 

Lakes, wetlands and humans

I just happened to read this article and kept wondering why people are so dumb.  The crux of the discussion is all about how the construction is going to affect the traffic and people's lives.  While that is immediate, what happens to our wetlands?  Why in the world an individual's opinion about ruining and worsening the water crisis of cities not heard?

I am just wondering what can I do with respect to this particular event.  And there is just this wonder always.  I am clueless of what I can do within my limits as a citizen to voice my concern about certain decisions made at the Government level.

There is a planting drive going on, saving lake campaign going on - how come the government does not think about these larger impact of decisions made at this moment in time?  Who is actually the government?  Who gets benefits out of these projects? So many concerns and questions - what do I do to alleviate further deterioration to the environment?

Guide me, please.

Revival

I just avoided one year of no-activity by writing this post! Thank god!

I enjoy writing and speaking my mind.  However, writing has taken a backseat in the scheme of things I am up to - work, family, beads. And yeah, laziness!

The month of May has been one of inspiration, challenge and pleasant surprises.  A lot of new information about alternative schooling in India.  When I see / read people attempting to change things around them, I get a real high and kick out of it.  Sometimes it feels like there are so many people working towards change and what more could be done.  But at other times, you know that so much has to be changed that a few people is just not enough to carry it all on their shoulders.  So there is a revived confidence I have towards pursuing my dream, my aspirations towards schooling, bringing some difference to how people learn, think and live.

Right now I am trying to work with a colleague to assimilate our learnings about education and implement a few in our work as well.  I may try out some experiments I have about learning through experiences pretty soon.  More than anything, I am going to document all the inspirations happening around me with respect to school education - with more rigor and discipline.

Looking back, I regret that I have not collated all the learning I have had from newspaper articles, chats, internet.  If I had done that, consistently, by now, I should have created a repository of information which many of us could have used.

So, while I work towards creating my own school, I am not going to stall ideas I receive from outside world and assume I will remember them all.  I do not want to reinvent the wheel.  I also want to learn from what is going on already.  I want to crystallise the present and build something better for the future.

To start with, an amazing school that I recently came to know about is the Vidyashram South Point School.  Hope you get some inspiration from there.  More to come, in bits, regularly.  Watch this space and interact with me.

Towards Excellence :)

Warning:  This is going to be a real long read!


This is about our experience at the Vivekananda Institute of Human Excellence, Hyderabad.  Arasu and I had been to VIHE for the Residential Youth Camp, 2012 by the end of June.  An intense 3-day workshop had been a place to be for us for a very long time now.  This youth camp focuses on inducing in the young minds (in the age group of 16-25) a spirit and fire to strive for Excellence and lead life in a thoughtful manner. 


We were amidst 160 youth full of energy and dreams.  We also had experts coming from different fields of expertise; Science, Business, Governance to name a few.  So what did we do?  Arasu and I conducted sessions on Leadership and Excellence.  I am not going to capture Arasu's experience here - this is completely my perspective.


It was fantastic getting ready for the workshop.  I had to read up a lot and reflect how much I practice what I am going to share with the students.  I did strongly believe that Excellence is something that every human being can achieve.  However, I was not confident since I had to talk to group of youngsters and one of the key things I was worried is to not make the session too boring / preachy.


I always have been someone who uses Workshop as a method with group of students so that sessions become experiential and not a 'lesson'.  But with Excellence - I was not very sure until a day before my session.


To be specific, my topic was "Towards Excellence - The Karma Yoga Way".  Yeah, this topic felt real close to my heart for many reasons - a) I am a Career Counsellor by profession and Work is Worship for me!  b) Excellence is something I truly aspire for  c) Karma Yoga, to me, seems to be a practical, productive and logical way towards self-actualisation. 


So I was super excited and at the same time wanted to keep it simple since I am no expert in Spiritual Matters.  So I chose this one book 'Karma Yoga' - by Swami Vivekananda.  Tried to study it, list down few strategies and insights that would be relevant to the group I was going to interact with, and make it very concise and intense!  Thankfully, I had to take up this topic on the third day - so I knew about the group very well and we had some rapport built already.  I gave up all the fancies of making this into a workshop and stuck to an intense lecture+interaction. 


The following are some of the key take aways for me personally:


a) "If we are free people, we don’t want any pressure from any body, we know our value. We have sense of dignity and worth – that spirit has to come in all departments of life". 


b) Even a fool can come onto stage and lecture on greatness.  ™"In the little things that you do, un-observed by anybody else, if you are excellent, then you are truly excellent."


I wanted to quote more but I think this is the crux of it.  These two quotes are more than enough for me to talk so much about my principles, opinions, beliefs and anger.


I said earlier that I truly believe that we have the potential to be Excellent Human Beings.  Many come and crib to me that I am an idealist - I am rigid - I am too ambitious and that 'People are not perfect!'.  What I fail to understand is that if we don't have worth in ourselves who else will? 


I don't want anyone to be sitting on my head and ensure that the task they give to me is done.  Come on! I feel so humiliated.  To me, once you give a task, you should know I will get it done.  I don't want external pressure to do what is meant for me to do, right?  So when we have our managers call us to ensure we are on track or when we harp on our co-workers to ensure they have done everything right then we don't have self-worth and value our co-workers respectively.  This is solely the reason, I believe that being Excellent is possible.  More than that, that is who we truly are - Excellent People.  


With respect to 'b)' - this was a tight slap on my face when I read this in the book.  All the time I talk on stage.  So I told my audience, that even a fool can do what I was then doing on stage! They all were shocked, just as I, when I read that in the book.  But just think about it.  Isn't it pretty easy to prepare and go on stage and give a lecture and walk down the aisle, heads high, smiling cheek to cheek?  How difficult is it to share to people / teach people on what you do in your everyday lives? Very difficult.


But how difficult is it to do things in excellent fashion, just so you feel free - free of guilt, free of criticism, free of to-do lists. Not so difficult right?  At least not as difficult as making versions of same things for a month!


All along, I had been feeling very guilty of not giving my best shot / felt very incompetent about stuff.  But I can't explain the transformation I had when I was actually taking this session at the Ashram.  I became a much more optimistic person in life.  All I had to do is do my work, and in excellent fashion.  I do not have to care of the end results, whether I will be rewarded or criticized.  It is my duty to do.  The rest is to follow on its own.  It is also my duty to help others - since they give me opportunity to clear all my mis-doings. Gives me an opportunity to understand what I can give. 


This sense of freedom, ownership, responsibility and passion to 'do' is inexplicable.


In order to take this into an actionable session, we all took a 'Sankalp'.  Sorry I can't translate Sankalp - because no word sounds as perfect as this word. 


All the 160 students took a Sankalp and decided they will honor it.  We created a FB page for it and this movement is slowly moving on to other youth activities happening in the Ashram.  


Now this is really a step towards Excellence, isn't it?


I am all excited and elated that we could do so much in a span of 3 days' time. 


My Sankalp I decided from that day is this - in Swami Vivekananda's words - "Teach yourself, teach everyone his real nature, call upon the sleeping soul and see how it awakes.  Power will come, glory will come, goodness will come, purity will come and everything that is excellence will come when this sleeping soul is roused to self-conscious activity."


Towards Excellence... :)


What is your Sankalp?  Want to share?

Ramblings...

It has been almost half a year since I posted.  I am shocked.  Thanks to my colleague that I woke up and got a reason to write again.


Past 2 weeks has been a lot of reflection - hence very intense.  


What I wanted to share now is something that has been bothering me for a very long time now.  I had been very elusive about these thoughts in my mind - more-so because not many people around me appreciated or considered that it was a 'normal' thought process.


So what bothers me?


1.  Why do people lack trust?  A common trustworthiness you could entertain with another just because he / she is a human and not because of any other reason.  I should not talk to an auto driver unnecessarily cos I may get into trouble?!  I can't greet a stranger in my train boogie cos train robbery is a known thing.  




2. Why is this generation living in fear?  Fear of being attacked, cheated, ignored, robbed, hit.  Are we all animals?  




3.  Why should one be always told what he / she has to do?  Why can't people take initiative and do what is their own duty?




4.  Why can't people forgive?  




5.  Why can't we accept each other and treat one another as equals instead of doing power plays and exercising egos?




6.  Why can't we love for love sake?  Why is it always a trade?




7.  Why aren't we taught to / encouraged to renounce?  Why should we always hoard things for ourselves, our family?  Why can't we give up something for a larger cause?


8.  Why little pleasures like smoking, drinking, are so important for us despite knowing it is going to be short-lived?




9.  Why do we think we are overkilling ourselves or being extra super great when we live a dutiful life?  Dutiful in terms of doing one's duty, be clean physically and mentally.  Why do those dutiful people think they are doing something great while there is so much more to achieve?


10.  Why when I question myself and others on all these issues I am being perceived as someone being over critical or hung up in life?  Why am I classified as perfectionist or idealist?  Why am I banned to expect these qualities in my fellow men? 


If these are all 'saint'ly qualities, then may be it is high time I claim myself one!  That way I get to live my life the way I want and nobody would question me, eh?

Enough is enough!

Have you come across all these guys who bull**** about women being the 'only'-dishonest-and-untrustworthy-species?

I have had enough of them now.

Now guys, come on, grow up.  Show some spine and see how trustworthy your girls become.  You lose the spine, don't stand up for a cause, wander aimlessly, show attitude, keep flirting with all the girls in the world after getting hooked and behave like perverts well after your old age... and expect girls to be honest with you and trustworthy?  Well, better luck some other time!

Stop accusing others when there is a lot to wipe off your back. It is not 'funny' anymore!

Mediocrity sucks!

Mediocrity.  Wherever I go, everything I see is mediocre.  Excellence looks like a thing of past.


The vegetable vendor has vegetables that are not real fresh, the service is average.  The customer care support, are not efficient.  They put you on hold for every query you have to clarify from some team of theirs; illustration: to know if a battery is available or not, you gotta wait for 30 minutes on phone! 

No, this is no blame game.  I include myself in this list of mediocrity.  When everyone is following the path of being mediocre, any cry about making it 'right' or doing the best is not considered at all.

A mediocre life sucks.  There is no motivation, there is no achievement, there is no satisfaction and it so damn boring.

Now I lead a life of a mediocre.  I do things somehow so that it is DONE.  There is no passion or joy in doing things.

I do not want to be a mediocre, anymore.  I want to do as many things as I can, in a way that is, as best as I could do.  I want to live my life to the fullest without any fear and inhibition.  I want to love unconditionally and let love flow to me, break-free.  I want to excel, in all the tasks I do and keep aspiring for excellence. 

I want to stop doing things for the heck of doing it.  I want to do things, only those, which I think I need to do.  Isn't that a nicer way to lead a life?  Comments?

Death or a New Life?

I just happened to read this post in Yahoo! 

Though there is grievance and loss in a loved ones' death, some overcome the pain by Doing something that brings meaning to the life that was lost.  In a way, death actually gives birth to something new as if recreating itself into another form.

Is mourning then more an act of living the life of the lost one through yours and fulfilling their dreams and wishes?   

Wedding!

It could become a

Roller coaster or

A cruise;

For now, I feel,

Getting married is

Awesome!

:)   

Mess!

Copied from

Attention!

I am doing a task with so much involvement.  There comes one flash.  All the focus is dispersed. I just cannot continue to focus on that task, forget completing it.  I tend to take up breaks at regular intervals to charge up my brain and continue with the task I was pursuing.

I wonder if this is the case with all adults in general or is it only with me.  I am just unable to keep at one task for a considerable amount of time, no matter if there is dearth of time, someone is waiting, it is of utmost urgency, whatever; if I need a break, I just need it!

I just can't understand what this is.  It is not that I do not care about completing it, but it is just that I am unable to focus on it any longer.  I take a break from it till I forget about it, then, I again jump on the task and do it much better.

Is there a clear explanation of this phenomenon?  Should I worry if it is good or bad?

I try to explain.  I think I just need that constant rush of blood for me to be awake and keep at a task.  If that rush is reduced, gone! I am sick of that task and I look of re-pumping my blood through some other activity.

That's how this blog came up.  I was bored of something I was doing.  Had to do something else.  Here it is.  A blog post.

Blood re-pumped.  Gotta catch up with the deadline. Bye!

Reason?

I had been thinking about this for a while now. There are these various jobs which are available in this world. Some have the liberty to choose a job they want to do, some are forced to choose, some just land up in that job, some just wait to get away from a job.

I am in a profession where the practise is to help people exercise their free will to choose a job and pursue it. So among these 100 of jobs, people choose to do a job based on what they are capable of doing and what they want to do...

The jobs are created based on the needs of the society. One of the key needs is that of cleaning. That would include cleaning the public places and at some levels we need people who can attend to the waste in individual houses/apartments.

Now will someone want to choose this as their job? Those people who are currently working as cleaners, would they continue to do their job if another option with equivalent pay is offered to them?

Dignity of labour is just not practised in our country. Agreed! But what would be a reason for an individual to take up his / her job as a cleaner? What level of free will would some one exercise to choose this as a profession amongst others?

Any reasons out there?

Sooo full of life!

Life is too full now. So many things happening, many just-not-happening! But, I am living my life to the fullest - full of bliss, full of motivation, full with passion, full of search, full with anger, full of satisfaction, full with pride, full with greed, full of responsibility, full of aspirations, full of disappointments, soo very full, all at one time!

Cup has become too heavy. Need to unwind, relax, and take life more simpler.

Moving from one phase of life to another is rewarding cos you are learning. However, a few lessons are learnt in a hard way. Some lessons make you more strong, some make you regret acts of your past, some confuse you, some shock you, some surprise you and some disappoint you.

You know that you are not the only one to go through this but at the same time you have to go through this. You begin to empathise with the ones who have gone through this!

Amidst all this, finding an equilibrium is what I think is the art of living.

Trying hard to practise this. Not without paying the cost for it. All in all, life now is sooo.... very.... full...!

Disgust

It is very hard for something or someone to evoke this feeling - Disgust. But off late, the shopping areas seem to be full of people who can easily make you feel disgusted!

There are many creeps out in the markets who come there not to shop but to take some pleasure out of teasing other people - verbally and/or physically!

I have become skeptical about every male around me. It seems to me that there is just one thought in their minds - How to derive pleasure without being caught! Some seem to have born with that trait and some seem to acquire training to master it!

Mambalam area - the shopper's area - is just full of creeps and filth - in human form! Their deeds, mind and whole existence seems to have been made out of filth!

Every single time I cross the market area, I have to be extra alert and cautious; think of new ways to slip through the crowd and escape its vulgar brushes. There comes a point where one loses the courage to walk without a male counterpart who can escort you through that crowd and pull you out from there. (Yeah, some of the Men understand the pain because that woman is somehow related to him!).

This is so damn shameful! Losing the Freedom to be independent!

What I don't understand is why are these men so obsessed with 'other' women? Or why is woman looked at as an object of pleasure? I am badly avoiding the urge to write a sentence that would read, "I hate men"!

All this finally boils down to a point where one human does not have any respect for the other. Moreso, no respect for one's own self!

I am unable to think of any other reason for this disgusting behaviour demonstrated in the public.

We have to rethink on what the words - Values and Ethos - stand for us and redefine the way of life. People are selfish, mean, competitive (read as crushing the number one to death to secure that position), corrupt, jealous.

The things that were once intuitively guiding our way of life has to be taught now. The situation is such that there are Acts to ensure our behaviour aligns with the expected norms.

Where are those days when India was called the Land of Spirituality and Intellect? Where is that Indian spirit, my countrymen?

'Be a Man!', people say! I thought it means being responsible, sensible, sensitive, courageous, protective, courteous... Where are you, Men?

Revelations!

I watched this movie last night “PS: I Love You”. There were many revelations through that movie. But what is forcing me to write this post is what I learnt about being ‘open’. To come to this point I am going to run through and beat around the bushes (the way gals usually do!).

The environment I had been so far is the one where only the Indian culture is being valued. It had instilled in my head that only India has some value system and ethics and such words. But what I learnt yesterday is to appreciate that, values and ethics and principles exist in every culture. Since every culture is so different and unique it does not get through to other cultures.

There had been times when I thought I should preserve my customs and rituals. I grew to learn that I should be tolerant to other views and opinions. Now I have grown to appreciate and accept others and that include their belief systems, ethics, code of conduct and much more that make the person.

A specific thing about this movie is where Holly tries to find, The thing, and a new love that can replace her grief of losing Jerry. The way she comes out of her grief is by trial testing and eliminating the possibilities of the replacements until she tries to find happiness from inside. The earlier me would have been sceptical and passing moral judgements on her behaviour. But now, in the new me, I realise and appreciate that people are indeed different. Cultures and values are unique. After all, these words and their meanings, originate from a group of people who would have thought that this would help a human being to lead a life that makes him happy and not disrupt his ecosystem, as well, isn’t it?

Off late, I realise that I am just able to connect to any human being just because I appreciate for who she or he is. There is a natural will to know someone who is around and believe that he or she does have something unique to tell me and enrich my life. This feeling is just great and I hope that this is not just a feeling but a realisation coming out of living with many great souls around me.

Openness is more than tolerance. Openness is acceptance – for things as they are, for people who they are. Further, openness is, believing that each and every person is worth of something!

Nevertheless, this feeling is great. Understanding oneness in so many different ways is really incredible. Time and again I’m reminded that we are all ONE!

We all are in a pursuit to be happy and bring happiness to others!
We need peace.
We need money.
We need satisfaction.
We need love.
We need laugh.
We need shoulders.
We need each other.
Because,
We are all One!

Relationships - Part 2!

Yes! I am going to talk about relationships yet again.

I wish that relationships be non-demanding. Or, when there is a demand, let there be flexibility as well. Flexibility eases out the situation and ensures that the demand is met in the best possible way!

After all, we need relationships, don't we?! Then, what is the point of losing the fun by being too much demanding and not allowing relaxations whereby feelings and hence the relationships are severed?!